Warning: This post is likely to offend you.
I have been absent for a while dealing with the holidays and other work related business. As I can finally take a breath, I find myself moved to write. I felt like a zombie there for a while, simply going through the motions and obligations that the holidays bestow upon us. My creativity was stifled under all the responsibility, but I had time to think about things that I wanted to write about.
I attended a bridal shower yesterday for a close friend of mine. On her invitation it read, “…is registered at Lowe’s, Home Depot and Target.” I stared down at the invitation in my hands and thought to myself, “Dear God…How long can you expect a marriage to last if your bridal shower invitation resembles that of a housewarming party?” I refused to get her a gift of anything she requested, and instead got her a giftcard to a local sex shop complemented by a card that read, “The key to a lasting and happy marriage is an open and mutually thrilling sex life, not a new toaster or 5 horsepower blender.”
I am not a believer in marriage; at least, I should say that I am not a believer in marriage in the traditional sense. I don’t believe that marriage is the answer for lifelong happiness, family security, and a guarantee for monogamy. I believe that marriage makes little sense, as it essentially forces individuals into patterns of predictability for the survival of family; meanwhile, society perpetuates a notion of lasting passion and fulfillment. Passion and fulfillment can certainly be achieved while married, but usually that involves a high level of disclosure and intimacy. Further, I am not a believer in marriage as our present society would see fit. I believe that now, more than ever, men are emasculated within the bounds of marriage. We have begun at young ages to emasculate our boys into behavior akin to females. We are expecting of men to act as women, boys to act as girls: Sit still, behave, be polite, don’t dominate, don’t show signs of aggression, and do not be overtly sexual.
We women are highly sexual creatures as well, despite what our society would have you believe. The most dishonest of behaviors I have seen were displayed from women. Women can easily secure a reliable man, whilst trolling for a thrilling and short lived tryst between the sheets. He would be none the wiser, as men often assume that women are happy as long as they are provided for. Another nod for society on that misconception. Men typically do not feign well, as they are not as accustomed to operating from a place of dual existence: The “me” I will show the world, and the “me” that I relish within my mind.
You may not like reading this, but I don’t believe that people who cheat are necessarily guilty of anything aside from searching, and in some cases, attaining personal happiness. The quest for personal happiness is our “right” as we are told; however, we are also told the quest should look a certain way. Now would be an excellent time to stress honesty, but alas, I will not. I can completely understand an inherent need for secrecy with the amount of responsibility and stress we have placed upon marriage, monogamy and the necessity to deny our inner desires. Those who often cry “liar” toward the cheater were the ones most likely to cast judgment upon that person’s sexual desires; or withhold sexual gratification for personal motives; close doors for intimacy and communication that should remain open; and abuse their lover for the same qualities they initially found appealing. Shame…
My opinion, as it applies to most cases of infidelity that I have experienced or been informed of, stem from a place of rejection. In my experience, the people most guilty of these slights are the “fairer sex”. Women are conditioned to believe that sexuality should be used as a means for gain and attainment. Women are usually guilty of using sex for securing a man, reproduction, financial security, or material possessions. If she happens to secure the responsible man AND a child – Jackpot! She has significantly upped her chances of being taken care of for the majority of her life, with minimal effort on her part. I firmly believe that once those essentials are provided for such women, they proceed to quickly pull the plug on devoting excessive energy to sexual fulfillment and emotional intimacy with their spouse. Women who express their sexuality freely, for a personal fulfillment void of motive, are often labeled unkindly. Why? Because our society is threatened by sexual liberation. Instead of embracing the fact that we are extremely sexual creatures and monogamy is highly unlikely under “normal” conditions; we buy into the farce that civilization has created for control: Religion. But, that we will safe for another post…
If monogamy is something you choose to strive for – you had better up the ante. My husband and I strive for monogamy, and my husband is deliciously territorial. I permit my husband to express his territorial behavior from the recesses of his mind, because I find it primal and utterly delightful. Blended within the fibers of our commitment to monogamy is the belief that our marriage didn’t guarantee a thing, aside from joint property ownership. We understand that in order to beat the odds against our inner nature, we must consistently work toward sexual fulfillment and enlightenment. We understand that communication is essential, expressing our deepest inner desires and working toward making them a reality. This can be difficult, as you must be willing to listen despite your own personal “notions” of how things should be. Certainly, you do not have to agree to fulfill your partner’s every whim; however, I also believe that you cannot expect to have monogamy from that person if their desire is strong. I don’t believe this should be troubling, instead, I think it should be viewed as freeing. Do your best and the rest will fall into place as it will. As I’ve argued before, the more we repress the animal, the more the animal will rise within us. To convince yourself of anything different is to ignore your evolutionary past.
I feel cheating was justified in the vast majority of situations. Sure someone gets hurt and it can have lasting effects upon families and such. As a collective society, we have built unrealistic expectations upon the human, and thus, marriage. These expectations have long acted as a catalyst for crying victim and mental instability by the person being cheated on. Aligning your expectations with these societal presumptions is setting yourself up for failure, and will neglect to serve you well, aside from an excuse for your own negligence. You cannot expect monogamy; instead, you must cherish it within your relationship and work toward maintaining it. That’s simply the best you can do.
I am so sick of hearing people speak of monogamy as if a guaranteed “right” in their relationships. You can hope for it, encourage it, and cultivate the best environment possible to maintain it; however, if you don’t continuously strive to maintain it, you should not be surprised if the practice of “monogamy” fails you. Believing monogamy is in our human nature was your first mistake; believing you are entitled to it simply because you are married or in a committed relationship is your second mistake.
If a person declines to acknowledge their own personal responsibility to cultivating an environment encouraging of monogamy, then I believe they deserve to be cheated on. I believe that entitlement encourages laziness; the same expression can be applied toward marriage. A person who believes that marriage guarantees them monogamy is a dangerous partner in life. It is highly likely that their entitlement will lead to a laziness that will not only stifle your sexuality, but devour your spirit and crush your individuality. Too often, we expect promises to last a lifetime even as we fail to maintain the environment for which those original promises were made. I believe cheating is a right in any relationship where a person feels entitled to your loyalty without maintaining their end of the agreement. Do I feel that you should leave the relationship entirely? Sure, that is probably a good idea. However, as a society we have complicated relationships (especially marriages) to aid in trapping people in lifelong commitments. We have worked for centuries to cultivate these domestic messes and are often victims of our own misplaced assumptions and financial entanglements imposed upon our marriages. That is our fault and failure as a society. Blaming a person who cheated and failing to acknowledge how you may have encouraged the “discretion” is your fault. If you are unreasonable enough to believe in monogamy as a guarantee at all costs, then you deserve to be cheated on for your laziness and unrealistic expectations.
Alas, as I watched roughly 20 women “oooh and ahhhh” at blenders, pots and pans, and a Keurig 2.0, I quietly hoped that my friend would soon realize that her perception of “happily ever after” is already skewed. I hope that she will encourage open communication between she and her spouse, release her expectations, and begin to appreciate him on a “human” level. I know she won’t, and I can’t help but surmise that I will hold her hand in the not too distant future as she cries on my shoulder repeating, “He promised me forever…” I’ll remember how much importance was placed upon the house and not the man. I’ll remember how her expectations aligned so naively with societal expectations. I’ll remember how I wrote her a card that said, “I refuse to gift you a household appliance for your bridal shower, and instead, encourage you to tend to your sexual relationship.”
And I’ll know without her ever needing to say that instead of giving her husband unlimited and unrestricted access to her “cake”, she decided to bake one instead.