Ropes and Respect

I was cruising around the blog postings today, on a quest for some interesting reads.  I came across a posting that truly disturbed me.

A woman had a one night stand with a man who attempted to play Dom.  I emphasize the word attempted, because the female had no idea that he was heading in the BDSM direction, and from the sound of it, inflicted some unwanted pain on the female.  She was writing about how disturbing the whole experience was.  What a shame.  If I was a Top, I’d be pissed at all the lousy (and downright pathetic) attempts made by individuals that haven’t done their research.  Stop!  You’re ruining it!


I can’t proclaim myself an expert at BDSM, but my husband and I definitely subscribe to the lifestyle.  I prefer to say that we have a Master/slave relationship; but alas, I still have far too much feistiness to be a praise worthy slave.  I am passionate about serving my husband and truly feel ignited living as a bottom.  I’m regularly a powerhouse bitch who can’t be told what to do by anyone.  My husband is my Dom and my entire world; He certainly is the only person who can successfully tell this woman what to do.

A bit of advice and insight (my personal opinion, of course) into the beautiful world of BDSM:

BDSM does not consist of non-consensual abuse.  In fact, many people in the lifestyle would agree that “abuse” is a term rarely used.  To be “abused” often implies victimization.  Individuals involved in the BDSM lifestyle are not victims; they are consensual participants in an alternate sexual nirvana.  From the perspective of a bottom, we are enticed by the feeling of being dominated.  How that dominance may appear to those who are not part of the act is not of our concern; unfortunately, we have grown rather accustomed to being judged.  Although the practice of BDSM often results pushing boundaries, a mentally sound bottom will not permit an act that arouses a deep seeded emotional result.  An educated sub will never place his/her Dom in the position of being seen as the “cause” for emotional turmoil or physical pain.

Boundaries are negotiated prior to the session.  I’m going to err on the side of giving this boy the benefit of the doubt by saying that he appears overzealous.  I’m sure many Doms experience a feeling of confusion when wrestling with their desires initially.  Thanks to our lovely close-minded society, we program men to feel that any form of aggression in the bedroom is dangerous territory.  My husband experienced backlash in the past for pulling out his cock and lightly slapping it against his ex’s vagina.  He was called, “sick” and she was infuriated that he was treating her as if she was a “whore”.  WOW.  I straight have him pull his glorious cock out and smack it wherever his heart so desires!  I guess I’m a dirty whore 😉  I digress…I’m willing to bet this guy is battling an overcoming need to be a Dom, and doesn’t have the patience to wait for a willing sub.  He doesn’t understand how to have that kind of conversation, or perhaps, he’s afraid to have the conversation…In which case, he needs to reevaluate his confidence level.  In all cases, his pushiness is not a trait typical of a good Dom and will likely become a repetitive, vicious cycle.  The point here is to remember that people involved in consensual acts of healthy BDSM understand boundaries before they participate in play.  I consider my body my Dom’s territory; though, we are both aware of the fact that I’ve given him permission to own it.


A good Dom will respect his sub.  My husband is an amazing Dom.  Certainly, he had the utmost respect for me prior to making BDSM part of our life.  He is gloriously protective and he operates with the right amount of possessiveness.  He will watch for cues to signal comfort level and willingness.  Even if you don’t have the level of intimacy we have and you are just beginning to experience play, a healthy Dom will communicate effectively to gauge your comfort level.  This is akin to having an excellent lover in general; an excellent lover watches the body’s non-verbal responses to sexual acts and adjusts his/her behavior accordingly.  A Dom worth serving is one that considers how serving him feels.  Your Dom is your priority, but you become your Dom’s ultimate responsibility.  If you ask me, I consider the role of a Dominant to be worthy of the utmost respect due to the nature of the role.

Despite how it looks, BDSM has everything to do with respect and romance.  Personally, I feel there is no more romantic a union that that of a Dom/sub.  Perhaps, it may not appear that way to some people because the acts appear “violent”.  I assure you, despite of how those acts appear to you, they are wonderfully fulfilling to participate in.  My Dom would stop at nothing to protect me, cherish me, and lavish love upon me, both verbally and physically.  My Dom’s pleasure is derived from me serving him because he ultimately has given me his all:  His heart, his passion, his trust, his body, his soul, his vulnerability, and his leadership.  In my opinion, there is nothing more romantic than mutual need gratification where barriers are town down, walls are demolished, and people can exist in sexual play without fear of being chastised.  Let us not forget how vulnerable a position being a Dom would be, and how easily they are judged for being abusive individuals.  I would argue that most sexual relationships deemed “normal” as opposed to BDSM, certainly contain their fair share of unspoken desires.  It’s a sad world we live in, ladies and gents…

There is no room for passive/aggressive behavior in BDSM.  If deep down you feel as though the acts you are participating in is violating you on a personal level – just stop.  You are missing the point          !  You cannot force your body to enjoy what your mind is not open to.  Doing something against your will breeds discontent, and that discontent will manifest itself in passive/aggressive behavior.  Take responsibility for your own actions in situations where the other person is counting on your to use your best judgment.  By participating in these behaviors, you help perpetuate a tainted image upon the face of BDSM.  After the joke that is, “Fifty Shades of Grey”, we just cannot stomach any more phonies.

-Fervid M

About FervidM

A Sensual Side of BDSM - The romance of servitude, submission, pleasure and pain. View all posts by FervidM

2 responses to “Ropes and Respect

  • annabelle

    Thank you! Finally I read about someone standing up and saying what everyone wants to say.

    I am the rare Domme that had submitted in my past. It wasn’t for me, but for the short time that I did it, I gained so much insight into the feelings and emotions from the other end.

    Again, thank you for a wonderful post!


    • FervidM

      Ha! I can only imagine how awkward that must have been for you to experience being a sub if you identify completely with being a Dom. I once attempted to reverse the roles on my husband, and all he could do was maintain this disturbingly uncomfortable laugh. I realized he was entirely too uncomfortable with the reversal, and I happily obliged 🙂

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment!


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